From Wallflower to Social Butterfly

Seven tips for improving your party body language and reducing your party anxiety...

Meeting a group of strangers at a party terrifies me. That may seem like an odd admission coming from a body language expert but it’s true. When I am in a social setting where I don’t know a soul and I am not the speaker, I seem to always experience a moment where I become my awkward teenage self. I am the twig-bodied, ugly-brown-glasses-wearing, brace-faced nerdette. I am the shy girl leaning against the wall, the one who was never asked to slow dance to “Stairway to Heaven.”

It is not surprising.According to the US Surgeon General's report on mental health, today one in eight children aged nine to seventeen suffer from social anxiety disorders. Sometimes I think one of the reasons I became a body language expert was so that I would know what to do at those scary parties! When some of you think of holiday parties you jump for joy inside, but when others of you think of red punch and cookies, you feel your palms begin to sweat and your throat start to close. Here are some fun and funny tips for feeling more comfortable at your next holiday party so you can change from a wallflower to a social butterfly.

1. Go early rather than late. If you get there before other guests it is easier to get acclimated. You can stand with the host if you need courage. You can even ask for an anxiety-distracting task like taking everybody’s coats or asking if they would like a drink. Nervousness comes out of your body in many ways. One way is through your hands. That’s why my public speaking workshop attendees always ask, “What do I do with my hands.” If it’s scary to talk to someone I highly recommend having something to do with your hands! When your hands are confidently occupied that confidence message goes to your brain and affects your entire body. It also gives you an easily repeatable script, “Would you like me to take your coat.” as an opener.
2. Stand near the best-smelling food. That’s where the people are. If the food is good, by association they will think good things about you. Research says that pleasant smells give rise to pleasant mood states and persuasion research shows that when we feel good we associate those pleasant feeling with the people we were with when we felt them. And if you want to have a follow up call from someone you meet at party, they will be more likely to remember you if they associate you with a good smell. Why?Because our sense of smell is our strongest link to memory.Food also gives you an easy conversation opener and serving yourself and eating again gives you something to do with your hands. If you’re a single girl stand near the cheese and salami to meet men and near cinnamon buns if you want him to kiss you. (Research on olfaction says the smell of cinnamon buns is arousing for men, so I am thinking of creating my own cologne.) If you’re a single guy stand near the chocolate. If there’s a well built cutie standing near the carrot sticks call me. I want him!
3. Look for an Open Person. In my programs I train people to be approachable to have open body language. Look for the people who have their feet slightly apart, their palms showing and are smiling and go stand next to them. They will start a conversation with you.
4. Go first. You can also introduce yourself. I know, I know, you’re thinking, "Patti you are insane.” I hate to talk to people and you want me to initiate! I’d rather stick a fork in my eye. Put down the fork. Research shows that when you initiate you appear more confident to other people and they immediately feel more at ease. And when they feel at ease, the comfortableness transfers to you. Remember, two awkward people equals three times the anxiety. (For a classic movie that shows that in excruciating tenderness rent/Netflix/download, “Come Saturday Morning” starring Liza Minnelli.
5. Introduce people to each other. Again you have something to do, and, goodness, does it take the pressure off you. You know, say the older person’s name first to introduce them to a younger person, say the higher status person’s name first to introduce them to the lower status person’s name. When you are introducing people to each other say the Big Wigs name first. So, “Mr. President I would like you to meet Jane Doe.” Or Mr. Iacoa I would like you to meet John Smith. Think “bigwig’s name is said last.”
6. Ask a question and then relax and listen. If you have taken my interpersonal skills class you know that many years ago when I almost lost my voice I learned a lot about listening. So much anxiety comes from not knowing what to do or how to do it well. I can tell you that the smartest thing you can do at a party is ask a gentle question. It completely takes the talking pressure off you. You don’t have to be bitty witty and urbane to be a good listener. And if “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People” is right, everybody loves a good listener. If asking questions seems to be as difficult for you as defusing an atomic bomb click to my book “Going UP!” The book gives pages of questions you can use to start a conversation.
7. Give GENTLER listening cues. I offer simple listening body language cues in my linked article. Here is one of my favorites to teach men: nod your head. Women love it. Men typically only nod their heads when they agree, while woman nod to show they are listening. Guys, if you nod your head a lot she will love you. Beware of nodding your head at your female boss at the office Christmas party. Power people and DISC high I’s love it when you nod your head too, but your boss might think you love them so much you may be put on the office recycling waste committee for 2009.

So now you have seven tips to help you change from a wallflower to a social butterfly. Blog me at www.bodylanguagelady.com if any of these tips unleash the party animal in you. Please send photos!